6/2/13 - Happy Birthday Dad

Today my father turned 83 years old.  I'm not particularly good with dates, but I do manage to keep track of my immediate family.  I'm horrible with years, but Dad has always been easy because he was born in 1930.

That seems like such a long time ago to me - (and I bet to him as well).  Its incredible to think of all the things we take for granted today that didn't exist when my dad was born.

I'm typing this blog - not only was there no internet when he was born, there weren't even any computers.

I'm also watching TV and enjoying the airconditioning on this hot, muggy evening - neither of which were available to him. 

I know that his family had a telephone because as a young boy, he happened to take the call that told him his mother had died in the hospital after giving birth to his youngest brother.  Dad was raised by his older sisters, and although his father eventually remarried, I don't think he and his stepmother got along well.  In fact, I only remember visiting my dads family maybe a dozen times growing up, and its only been since my mother died that he reconnected with his siblings and he's developed a close relationship with his remaining sister.

Dad didn't have an easy life - he contracted polio as a child, and it took surgery to enable him to walk again....and even that couldn't give him the ability to run or jump like other children.  Perhaps thats one of the reasons he was so determined to excel academically....he was the only one of his family to go on to college.

Polio is a nasty disease in that it often comes back to trouble its victims many years afterwards.  Post Polio Syndrome can cause muscle weakness, fatigue, and balance issues, and Dad has them all.  He's housebound these days as he can't manage steps, nor drive, and spends most of his time in a wheelchair.   Even so, he lives alone and manages quite well.

And I think thats the thing I admire most about him...his willingness to continue to learn and his ability to adapt to whatever life throws at him.  Dad has taught himself to be computer literate - he is as likely to send me an email as to call me on the phone - and although he doesn't feel comfortable interacting with others on Facebook or similar sites, he spends a lot of time reading online newspapers and other information sources.  When I come to visit, the TV is always on; generally set to a science, history, or news channel.   He does love his baseball, but when a game in on, he's often multitasking by working a NYT or WP crossword puzzle at the same time.

So Happy Birthday Dad...thanks for being a great example of growing older....and may you keep on keeping on for a very long time to come.

5/9 - I iz a crabby bitch

Today I was Ms Crabby Ass for sure.   I don't know if its hormonal or weather related (we've had clouds and rain for almost a week) or maybe just stress, but although I managed to be pleasant and helpful at work - when I visited Dad, he got on my last nerve and I was not as patient as I should have been.

I visit five days a week and its eye opening and a bit scary to see my father acting erratically on occasion and not having a clue about it.  Tonight I found him with a nail clipper in hand trying to pry the back off his cellphone to get the battery out so that he could charge it.  He's had this particular phone for at least five years - and he's charged it by plugging in a charger many hundreds of times - and he also has taken the battery out by sliding the cover down at least a dozen times as well.  Yet I had to explain to him that he should leave the battery in to use the charger......and I showed him how it displays "charging" when it is - and how he needs to leave it plugged in for a couple of hours.

And then I went to get his laundry and only found one set of clothes in the hamper - but I haven't picked anything up in three days.  So I asked him if he'd been wearing the same thing over and over -or if perhaps he'd had the facility wash some clothes for him....and eventually he figured out that he'd been stashing his dirty laundry in the back of the closet - and some of it was hung up on hangers.  (A jacket that I'd accidentally left there was also hung up in his closet - it seems that anything I forget gets claimed as his these days).  While he's figuring this out (and I'm being patient because I know that I need to let him do what he can on his own) he keeps knocking over the pile of scrap paper pieces that he's stacked on his bed tray table.  And I can't get the closet drawer open to put the clean clothes away for him because he's now collected three pairs of shoes stacked in the corner to go with the weeks worth of newspapers and the box that his new brace came in because he doesn't want to throw any of it out. 

The man's already hoarding in his nursing home room......a reminder that whatever cleaning and sorting I do at his house is only being tolerated - not appreciated, and the clutter and dirt will be back as soon as he is.  Granted the place isn't bad enough to warrant a Hoarders intervention - but I've come across mouse droppings in every single box, bag, closet, and corner that I've cleared out, and a lot of papers and photos are no longer recognizable as anything other than rodent nests.  Supposedly an exterminator was called in last fall and there are no more mice around.....and I sure hope that's right.

And then he starts to tell me how he is perfectly capable of going home and taking care of everything himself now - that he can get in and out of bed and walk around and dress and bathe and even climb stairs on his own - its just that their policy requires him to have help.  I don't argue about it because there's no point - he'll just get angry and accuse me of not being supportive.....and he takes my silence for disagreement so it ends up that way anyhow.

I know that I need to be kinder and more tolerant, and in years to come I'll look back and miss my dad and be grateful for the time we had together.  But right now, I'm just very tired.

I don't want to be an old woman, sigh.....

Probably everyone on the internet has seen the health care commercial using Michelle Shocked's song...

"When I grow up I want to be an old woman
When I grow up I want to be an old woman
Oh, an o-o-o-o-old, an old, old woman"

The premise of the song is awesome - that when you're old you've learned not to worry about what other people think and you are truly free to live your life however you choose.

And as I inch ever closer to "old woman" status, whatever age that is, I find myself becoming more comfortable and confident in my own skin.  Although I still believe that my current life is due more to a set of happy coincidences than any sort of planning on my part, I am able to accept rather than apologize for my good fortune.

But as I've learned recently,  being an old person isn't always something to smile about.  It can mean being dependent on others for basic needs such as bathing and eating.  It can mean losing the ability to walk, or even to communicate clearly.  And if you don't have the right kind of private insurance, it can mean that you don't even get to choose who takes care of you - you end up wherever a social worker is able to get you placed.

Reality hit me hard  when my father required surgery for a broken kneecap and a torn tendon in his leg.  As a polio survivor, he's struggled with a gradual decline in his mobility and balance for years - but the loss of use of  his "good" leg combined with a shoulder injury left him unable to walk or even get in and out of a chair without help.   So there was no way he could take care of himself - but the after effects of anesthesia combined with pain medication meant that he didn't understand and kept insisting that he wanted to go home.  That put me in the position of having to sort everything out and find him a place - and do all of this very quickly because insurance companies don't let hospitals keep people very long these days.

Reality 1 - you might be perfectly able to take care of yourself now - but there are no guarantees that it will always be that way.  If you are going to take issue with someone else making these decisions for you, then you need to figure out your plan now and review it periodically to make sure its still what you want and that you can afford it.

Check your insurance benefits now  because even my father's very good government retiree plan doesn't cover long term skilled nursing care.  Medicare Part A (the part that covers hospitalization) covers 20 days worth of nursing care - and then part of the next 80 days worth of care - but the copay is  about 150 dollars a day.  After Medicate coverage runs out - he either goes home - finds an assisted living facility at his own expense  - or he stays put and pays the full bill himself  until he spends down his assets and becomes poor enough for Medicaid.

December 28th - Thank you, I think....

It was a great Christmas at Chez Em......the miniquiches and sausage balls were a hit, the weather behaved, and wonderful gifts were given and received by all.

And the gifts didn't end there - I had a lovely lunch with my friend Steph and her husband who gifted me with a bottle of Pusser's Rum which is the same recipe served to Royal Navy seamen for more than 300 years.  I think this substance is part of the reason that they lost the War of 1812 - it certainly can be distracting ;).

But that wasn't the end of the gifts - when I came home today, in the mail was an AARP membership.....not one of the invitations to join that I've been tossing in the recycle bin ever since I hit my 40s - but a real membership, card and all.  The paperwork says its a gift membership - but it doesn't mention from whom.  (or is it from who - this is one of those grammatical rules that I can't keep straight so I generally avoid using either one and in any case - sentences shouldn't end with prepositions )

 There's a list of membership benefits that include hotel, car rental, and cruise discounts all of which would certainly be useful to me - and I gather some stores offer special senior discounts as well. Seems that it does make a great gift for a bargain shopper/traveler like myself.

But still - its the AARP....and I'm not quite ready to publicly acknowledge my senior citizen status even to save a few bucks.

So, to the anonymous donor - Thank you, I think ;).