I don't want to be an old woman, sigh.....

Probably everyone on the internet has seen the health care commercial using Michelle Shocked's song...

"When I grow up I want to be an old woman
When I grow up I want to be an old woman
Oh, an o-o-o-o-old, an old, old woman"

The premise of the song is awesome - that when you're old you've learned not to worry about what other people think and you are truly free to live your life however you choose.

And as I inch ever closer to "old woman" status, whatever age that is, I find myself becoming more comfortable and confident in my own skin.  Although I still believe that my current life is due more to a set of happy coincidences than any sort of planning on my part, I am able to accept rather than apologize for my good fortune.

But as I've learned recently,  being an old person isn't always something to smile about.  It can mean being dependent on others for basic needs such as bathing and eating.  It can mean losing the ability to walk, or even to communicate clearly.  And if you don't have the right kind of private insurance, it can mean that you don't even get to choose who takes care of you - you end up wherever a social worker is able to get you placed.

Reality hit me hard  when my father required surgery for a broken kneecap and a torn tendon in his leg.  As a polio survivor, he's struggled with a gradual decline in his mobility and balance for years - but the loss of use of  his "good" leg combined with a shoulder injury left him unable to walk or even get in and out of a chair without help.   So there was no way he could take care of himself - but the after effects of anesthesia combined with pain medication meant that he didn't understand and kept insisting that he wanted to go home.  That put me in the position of having to sort everything out and find him a place - and do all of this very quickly because insurance companies don't let hospitals keep people very long these days.

Reality 1 - you might be perfectly able to take care of yourself now - but there are no guarantees that it will always be that way.  If you are going to take issue with someone else making these decisions for you, then you need to figure out your plan now and review it periodically to make sure its still what you want and that you can afford it.

Check your insurance benefits now  because even my father's very good government retiree plan doesn't cover long term skilled nursing care.  Medicare Part A (the part that covers hospitalization) covers 20 days worth of nursing care - and then part of the next 80 days worth of care - but the copay is  about 150 dollars a day.  After Medicate coverage runs out - he either goes home - finds an assisted living facility at his own expense  - or he stays put and pays the full bill himself  until he spends down his assets and becomes poor enough for Medicaid.

1/08/12 - Amalgam

Picture from http://www.art.com/products/p14443136-sa-i3041479/sem-wisdom-tooth-with-amalgam-filling-enhanced.htm?sorig=0?WT.cg_n=Gallery+Search+Redirect&WT.oss=amalgam

I like the word amalgam.  It has several meanings, and one of them is shown above - its the stuff that they use to fill cavities.  Who knew that a wisdom tooth would be considered art?

But the meaning I was thinking of today is " A combination of diverse elements; a mixture", and that's what I'm writing today today.  I've got all sorts of different thoughts bouncing around in my head but no single one is really worthy of an entire blog.

Friday afternoon my friend Steph couldn't winetaste with me, and its a shame because the table was a range of reasonably priced wines that were mostly very good which made up for the not so good vodka on the end.
Lets just say that alcohol sold in a large plastic bottle is for those who are looking for something that won't break when you drop it ;)

But I did happen to run across an old acquaintance (cue Auld Lang Syne), my bff's brother.  I'd noticed him in the store once or twice before, but this time he was at the table next to me, so I said hello and introduced myself.  We chatted for a bit and he sounded just like he did 30some years ago, which is probably the last time I had a conversation with him.  He has aged into the 60's hippie look which would be fine except he's at least 10 years younger than that.....so my first thought (kept to myself of course) was "Damn he's old".

But then again occasionally I catch a glimpse in a mirror on one of my less than put together days and think "Damn I'm old".  I don't like it, but there's really not anything I can do about it without spending a lot of money for cosmetic surgery.....more practical to just not look too close.

Which brings up an interesting thought.  Maybe we shouldn't look so close.   Now, I don't mean that we should let ourselves be taken in by con artists , or that we should ignore the bad things in this world (like those Chinese folks who walked past the injured toddler without stopping).

But we find what we are looking for - and focusing on flaws and imperfections makes it more difficult to see the good and the positive and the wonderful that exists in just about everyone and everything.

And that seems like a good place to leave this blog.

November 8th - What a drag it is getting old....

40 with 11 years more experience.

Really though, I need to be honest with you guys - I am having a difficult time with the whole aging thing. Last year was easy - probably in large part because I was on a cruise ship preparing to swim with stingrays and climb Mayan temples.

This year, it's more about mood swings, weight gain, a bad knee, and eyesight that's still good enough to be horrified by all the new wrinkles I see in the mirror. And just to reinforce the whole gloom and doom mood, this weekend's mail included an offer to participate in a clinical trial for a new depression medication.

Did they key in on my birthday the way that AARP did and decide I must be depressed because I'm old? Perhaps someone at work thought I must be "off my meds" and recommended me. Or maybe it's just one of those random bulk mailers.

I can smile (well at least raise the corners of my lips a bit) now because I'm slowly finding my way back up into the sunshine, thanks to the amazing people I am lucky enough to have in my life.

First off, I get a whole slew of birthday greetings on Facebook...and I didn't think I'd even listed my birthday there - go figure. Then one of my friends mentioned my joie de vivre (if you don't read French that would be my love of life - not my big butt)....and another said I was one of their heros. I read a blog about how I'd introduced another friend to the wonder of having a hot tub and how much she was enjoying hers (even if she does have some issues with frostbite). And just now, I got a birthday call from my friend John in Australia - how cool is that.....

My son came over yesterday and helped make a big dent in the huge brushpile out back. Best of all he got the area cleared well enough that I can start tossing branches down across the creek rather than having to lug them up the ridiculously steep hill.

My dad was going to buy me a gas trimmer but instead he gave me money to buy exactly what I wanted......and so by this weekend I'll be taming the wilderness with a lot more power.

I even have enough money left to buy myself this concrete vibrator....

Someone please assure me that Harbor Freight hasn't really started selling marital aids.

Hmmm....looks like I'm only maturing in a physical sense, eh?