6/2/13 - Happy Birthday Dad

Today my father turned 83 years old.  I'm not particularly good with dates, but I do manage to keep track of my immediate family.  I'm horrible with years, but Dad has always been easy because he was born in 1930.

That seems like such a long time ago to me - (and I bet to him as well).  Its incredible to think of all the things we take for granted today that didn't exist when my dad was born.

I'm typing this blog - not only was there no internet when he was born, there weren't even any computers.

I'm also watching TV and enjoying the airconditioning on this hot, muggy evening - neither of which were available to him. 

I know that his family had a telephone because as a young boy, he happened to take the call that told him his mother had died in the hospital after giving birth to his youngest brother.  Dad was raised by his older sisters, and although his father eventually remarried, I don't think he and his stepmother got along well.  In fact, I only remember visiting my dads family maybe a dozen times growing up, and its only been since my mother died that he reconnected with his siblings and he's developed a close relationship with his remaining sister.

Dad didn't have an easy life - he contracted polio as a child, and it took surgery to enable him to walk again....and even that couldn't give him the ability to run or jump like other children.  Perhaps thats one of the reasons he was so determined to excel academically....he was the only one of his family to go on to college.

Polio is a nasty disease in that it often comes back to trouble its victims many years afterwards.  Post Polio Syndrome can cause muscle weakness, fatigue, and balance issues, and Dad has them all.  He's housebound these days as he can't manage steps, nor drive, and spends most of his time in a wheelchair.   Even so, he lives alone and manages quite well.

And I think thats the thing I admire most about him...his willingness to continue to learn and his ability to adapt to whatever life throws at him.  Dad has taught himself to be computer literate - he is as likely to send me an email as to call me on the phone - and although he doesn't feel comfortable interacting with others on Facebook or similar sites, he spends a lot of time reading online newspapers and other information sources.  When I come to visit, the TV is always on; generally set to a science, history, or news channel.   He does love his baseball, but when a game in on, he's often multitasking by working a NYT or WP crossword puzzle at the same time.

So Happy Birthday Dad...thanks for being a great example of growing older....and may you keep on keeping on for a very long time to come.

June 17th - Fathers Day (and other stuff)

This delightful picture came from George Takei's FB  page.  You should check him out - he's awesomely funny.

So today was Fathers Day.  I stopped by to see my Dad in the nursing home but he was off having therapy and rather than hunt him down I just wrote a note on his newspaper and left it along with some envelopes (he'd asked for them yesterday).

My relationship with my father is complex from my perspective, but probably quite simple from his.  I'm his child - he brought me into the world so its my job to honor him and provide assistance as needed when requested.  He loves me, and he's glad I'm around to help him out - especially since my mother is gone.

From my perspective, the more time I spend with him, the more I see things I don't like.  He's demanding and selfcentered.  Every conversation we have is all about him - occasionally we might talk about me, but it generally turns itself into a discussion of something similar he experienced.

It is every bit as difficult for me to deal with him as it was to deal with my mother in her last year. 

The difference is that I didn't like my mother very much, but looking after her brought us closer. I learned to forgive and accept, and I think I was able to give her some comfort and let her know she was loved before she died.

With my father - he seems to suck up all I give and want more.  My brother says he sees my mother in me and that's why I'm subject to long tirades about what is wrong with the nursing home and the way they are treating him (not just when I visit, I get calls at work as well), and more details about the personal aspects of his life than I feel are necessary.

But I'm not married to him, and the longer this goes on, the more I understand how alcohol found its way into my mothers life....how on earth could anyone endure him for so many years without some chemical help?

There's other memories, other things from the past, but the bottom line is that I really don't like my father very much.  So it doubly sucks that I'm expected to handle everything. 

Let me take that back - my brother says that I take it upon myself to do too much, and that I should just sit back a bit and not stress myself out so much.  Of course, my brother didn't sit in the emergency room with me a couple of months ago when Dad was in there with kidney issues (since he didn't answer his phone to know about the ER visit).....and he didn't visit nursing homes to decide where to put him....and he didn't buy clothes and run errands and clean the piles of rodent dropping infested junk at Dad's house so he has enough room for a bed downstairs.

But through a lucky accident - brother may have to walk the walk.  I'm heading down to Charleston on Wednesday - and I won't be back until the 25th.  Dad's having surgery Thursday and he thinks he's going to be released the week after.  We've agreed that my brother will pick him up, take him home,and get him settled in when he's released, and when I heard my Dad say "I'll go over all the things he'll need to bring and all the things I'll need him to get me when he comes next week"  I'm thinking I need to be out of reach for that event as well.

In other news- Son, DIL, and little IM stopped by for a visit and to pick up the pink car seat that I'd bought last year....seems she's growing out of their original one.  They weren't wearing their matching Fathers Day outfits - but I did swipe a pic off their FB page.

6/06 -- Things can only get better

...And do you feel scared - I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better....

Life has ups and downs, and I have to say the start of this week was a whole lot of downs....

Monday morning I woke up to a dead battery in my car - fortunately I have AAA so an hour and a hundred and some dollars later I was on the road to work. 
Where I found the power was out for an hour and a half.

Yesterday I had gum surgery - when my peridontist got in there he reported that I had decay in the root of the tooth - since I'd had a root canal I wouldn't feel any pain, but it will eventually break - and if my regular dentist can't figure out how to fill the gap, we're looking at an implant or a bridge - both of which are pricey.

When the novocaine wore off it ached quite a bit and I was looking forward to a quiet evening - but then my Dad called to chatter about his rescheduled prostate surgery date.  He announced that he'd left a message for me at work as well - I reminded him that I had told him I was going in for gum surgery and his reply was - I know, but I wanted to make sure I told you about the change right away.  He never even asked about how my surgery went or how I felt.  Oh, and this procedure wasn't covered by my insurance, so it was the equivalent of the six day Bermuda cruise I've been lusting after lately, sigh.

OK - so it hasn't been a great start to the week - but I really need to remember how lucky I am all things considered.

I could afford the new battery without having to go without anything else.

I knew about the surgery and again, I could afford it - and a year from now a trip to Bermuda would just be a memory while I'll be looking at (and using)  my teeth every day.

My dad - well he's old and self centered - but he can only bother me if I let him.  No one is forcing me to answer the phone - if its an emergency, the nursing home would call my cell anyhow.

There wasn't all bad in the week....

I have lost 10 lbs in about five weeks which makes me really happy because I"m not feeling like I'm on a diet - its just using a bit more common sense than I have in the past - Weight Watchers really is working for me. 

I have an interview next week for a transfer position which has more potential for advancement and puts me in a group with a lot of talented professionals that I respect......and unlike a regular job interview, its a no lose because I'm safe in the job I have now.

And I headed out to weedwhack the jungle that passes for my back yard - as it turned out it wasn't nearly as difficult as I expected - in barely half an hour, all of the briars and brambles are cut down.

Like attracts like - so if I can just accentuate the positives - things will only get better :)






 

There's a little black spor....

There's a little black spot on the sun today.......(Police, King of Pain).

I'll be singing that song on Tuesday when we experience a Venus Transit....although if my eclipse viewing glasses don't arrive in time, I'll just be watching it on TV.

We had some pretty turbulent weather Friday - torrential downpours, flickering power, some tornado warnings....but all's well that ends well.  I didn't bowl particularly well, but did what I needed to in the clutch and we won all our games.  I got drenched visiting Dad, but I made the trip.....and then when I got home from bowling he'd left a phone message asking for something or another.

Which reinforced the idea that maybe my brother is right - I"m doing too much and it's just not good for me.  I visit five times a week and Dad has managed to call me with an additional demand on my "off days".   My brother tells me that he actually talked to him on Thursday and they agreed that he needed to respect that I had my own life to live and he should't put so much on me -but clearly that went in one ear and out the other.

Mind you, I still don't agree with my brother's attitude towards our father and I know darn well he doesn't agree with mine......but we respect each other and have the same goal - which is to do what needs to be done to respect Dad's wishes while still keeping him safe.  I am grateful to have someone to share the burden with whether or not I like his methods of doing so :)

Today was Dad's 82nd birthday.....I brought him lunch including some cheesecake (probably his favorite food in the world), and sat and listened to him for a while. The care center is looking after him well - they even acknowledged his special day, and  I'm pleased for that assurance that the people care about more than just their paychecks.

My brother is right about one thing - I do need to step back.  Dad's sucking up way too much of my time and energy and it's only getting worse, not better.  So, I'll cut back on my visits - take Saturday for myself as a start.....give him back whatever he's willing to handle, and set boundaries on his interference on the things I need to handle.

Up until the "dad thing" I was in a great place in my life - in fact, I'm still in that great place but there's just interference from all this other stuff that I must remember is a choice - not a requirement.

Weather was great today and should be the same tomorrow - time to let go and enjoy......