5/26/13 - Mrs White with the lead pipe...

in the conservatory?  Or perhaps Professor Plum was involved......In any case....

Yes, I has a mystery........let me tell you what's happened.  You may or may not remember that I finally broke my blogging silence to talk about a relationship issue.  As you can probably tell - putting it out there did the trick - I've been able to move forward and focus on lots of other things in my life.

This morning I had a FB private message from my son telling me that someone had directed him to my blog.  He  pointed out that I was always welcome to visit, and said that if I had a problem with our relationship I was going about the opposite of resolving it.  And although I realize its difficult to make an accurate assessment of the written word without the intonation and body language associated with hearing the voice and/or seeing the person, I believe its a safe assumption to say he was angry.  He closed with saying he's going to forget the blog post happened. 

Personally, I think that last part is a mistake - there was nothing I wrote that I haven't said to him out loud in the past....I just don't think he really heard me then and its very certain he didn't read me now either.  But my own acceptance often equates with just "not thinking about it" - so who am I to criticize anyone else doing the same thing?

Anyhow - at first I was angry back -  then I thought about it a bit and realized that he pretty much restated what I'd said on my blog - its just that he sees it as being my problem and not his, which is what I'd heard from him when I discussed this in person long ago.

And then I thought a little bit more and became a bit creeped out as to who was reading my blog that felt it a good idea to point this particular post out to my son.  None of the readers I know of are family....and my friends aren't friends with my son.  Although there is a link to my blog on my Facebook home page - its been months since I've crossposted any blogs on Google + or FB, so its not like I"m "out there".....heck, that particular post has only had 8 views total.

Then I calmed down.  It might not always seem that way, but I'm careful what I write.  I keep the blog public because I can never have too many friends....and if someone stumbles across what I've written and it strikes a chord with them and they want to start communicating with me - that's great.  If that doesn't happen, that's fine as well -  I write for myself to remember and hopefully learn and grow from the past. 

So I'm not upset that someone I may not know found and read my blog - that's why its out there.

And when I think about it - having someone concerned enough about my sadness to want to try to help me is not something to be frightened off - its something to be grateful for.  I've no doubt that whoever directed my son to my writings did so out of caring. 

So, if you are the person who decided to help try to "fix" things for me - I appreciate the thought, but please don't try it anymore.  But feel free to keep reading if you like.......







 

5/12 - Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned....

its been more than a month since my last blog..........but you see I've had something personal on my mind and every time I thought I might write something - it would turn into dwelling on that personal thing which makes me sad. 

Everyone has their own way of dealing with issues in their life, and I don't think there's any one right way - though I'm pretty certain that arranging the demise of those who are causing you angst is the wrong way....(simply imagining a painful injury or death in your head, however, is probably OK).

I try to do it this way - Accept the things I cannot change and change the ones I can.   (Yep, I've stolen the Desiderada).  I have to confess I have a difficult time with the changing, but even more so with the acceptance.  But if you think about it, they are both really the same thing - to accept something means that you change your attitude towards it - it is what it is - and you move on.

My reality however, is that acceptance equates to not thinking about it....locking it in the back room of my mind, and going on with life.  Remember Gone with the Wind?  Scarlett once said "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

It works for me most of the time, unless or until something triggers a memory and then I go through all the hurt and pain again....though each time it gets a bit easier and eventually it will get to the point where it won't hurt at all.

And right now, the issue is keeping me from blogging all sorts of interesting things good and bad because my thoughts come back to this one thing.  I miss blogging, not so much because I think I have anything particularly interesting to say to the world, but because it helps me remember what I was thinking and feeling at a particular point in time - and more than once it's helped me keep from repeating a mistake - as well as helping me relive some pretty marvelous moments.

So here goes.  I am unhappy with the relationship (or lack of relationship) that I have with my son - and by extension, with my granddaughter.  I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since Christmas.

Now, to be fair- he did FB message me earlier in the week and ask me what I wanted for Mothers Day.  I told him that its a difficult day for me so I'd rather just let it go by.  And it is a difficult day.  Although my mother had her own problems, she was still my mom and I wish she was still here - and I wish I'd spoken up and tried harder to get her to change rather than just let her destroy herself.  But I don't beat myself up as much as I used to for what I didn't to - I try to remember what I did at the end - I did the best I could to show her I knew she'd done her best and that I loved her no matter what.

And I wish that whatever I did to make my son feel I'm not worthy of an occasional call or visit or invitation to an outing with his family hadn't happened.  This ones a bit tougher because I honestly can't think of anything I did to cause the rift. 

Of course from his perspective, there's no rift....I can call his wife up and make arrangements to visit whenever I like - or I can go over on their weekly game night with friends - or there's Mothers Day when I can ask for a visit. 

And I did all these things for a long time (except call my DIL to make arrangements for a visit because that is just too awkward for me) -its not that I don't think my daughter in law is marvelous  - but I' just can't bring myself  to beg for an audience as if he's the Pope.

I was really excited at the grandmother thing - I bought a portacrib and a carseat to make sure I was prepared.  The portacrib has never been used - and the car seat - they eventually asked me if they could have it as she'd gotten too big for the one they had, so at least its getting some use.

Now, I know its not about me, its about her - so when I went over for the family only first  birthday party and didn't have a chance to hold her for even a minute because the other grandmother and her relatives had dibs - I kept my mouth shut.  When I see pictures of visits to parks and museums and zoos that include their friends or other family menbers, it rips my heart out that I'm not included in any of that - but I keep my mouth shut.
 
When I told them that I couldn't come over for their Tuesday night open houses any more because Jezebel needed an insulin shot every night, I'd kind of hoped that there would be some sort of offer of an occasional visit to me......(You see, Jezebel was my son's cat - I took her because she was having problems being alone and we thought it would be a better fit).....but no, there was just a comment about how it should have been his other cat getting diabetes.

Since I couldn't make Tuesday night visits, I asked if they could post pictures more often - maybe something I could frame, but that hasn't happened - I've kept my mouth shut.

Its getting me upset again writing this......but I'm hoping that once I get it out here, I can get past it and move on.  Truly my life is pretty wonderful - I have enough time and money to do the things I want - the furkids are doing well - and I've got an incredible collection of friends including a best friend who more than makes up for any lack of blood relatives.

As for my granddaughter - I really do think its a shame that things are the way they are...but I am tired of trying to change them.   I'm a successful, emotionally strong woman who tries to be a good role model for others.  I'm smart and funny and have some good stories to tell.  I'm loyal and a person who can be counted on. And if that's not enough for him - thats his problem, not mine.

You know what, I feel better already.  Someday my granddaughter will be old enough to make her own decisions and maybe she'll reach out to me and if she does, I'll be ready..








 

10;/27 - Seasons change, people change

This time of year I can see all the way down to the creek, and it tempts me to put a bench down there so I can sit and think and listen for the quiet trickle of water over the rocks.  The few inches deep few inches wide flow of water probably doesn't even qualify as a real stream....but its more than a lot of folks get to have in their yard.

 

This is a blog that's been bouncing around in the empty spaces of my head for quite a while....but I wasn't sure how to put something so personal out there without sounding whiny - or worse yet, hurting feelings.  I eventually decided that I need to share - and that as long as I don't link it to my Facebook  its unlikely that anyone involved will come across it.  Sometimes its good not to have many readers ;)

 

Let's start with a confession.  I have not seen my granddaughter, my son, or my DIL since August 25th when I attended a family party for her first birthday.  I guess you could say that the party was an awakening for me of sorts as to where I fit in the family social order.....and the answer wasn't what I was hoping for.  I was there for about an hour and a half and in that time I got close enough to little IM to take some pictures - I didn't have a chance to pick  her up, hug her, or even talk to her - that priviledge was reserved for her mom's family.  I left before presents were opened - and unfortunately I didn't choose wisely enough because unlike the others, my gift didn't make the party pictures nor did I hear any comments about it being good or bad or anything else. 

 

I know from googling that its not unusual for paternal grandmothers to feel left out - daughters are generally closer to their moms and the whole baby/child raising thing tends to be centered around the women of the family.  In this case, grandmother provides day care so little IM actually spends more time with Moga then she does with her own mother.   That's actually what happened with my own son growing up - but his father made sure that there was frequent contact with his family as well, even after we separated.  So I don't think I'm being unrealistic in terms of how things should be.

 

When I stop and think about it all, I'm frustrated to tears because I've honestly done my best to build a relationship with my son  that consists of more than the obligatory Christmas visit, but it hasn't worked.  I am welcome to come over and visit my granddaughter on Tuesday evenings when they hold open house for their friends......but as far as the visits being reciprocated its just not going to happen.

 

Its not just me - I don't discuss them with my father....but I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen any of them (or even gotten a picture or an email or a  note) since his birthday in June. 

 

OK, now I'm starting to sound whiny and I really don't mean to. Well, maybe I do just a bit and I'm sorry - I'm human. 

 

Whats important and pleasantly surprising is this - as long as I don't think about it - I'm really not bothered.  I have an awesome life - friends that truly love me even though they don't have to - and people who I know will be there for me - all I have to do is ask.

 

And that really is the definition of family - it has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with love.  I'm worth spending time with - if some people don't see that - its their loss, not mine.