10;/27 - Seasons change, people change

This time of year I can see all the way down to the creek, and it tempts me to put a bench down there so I can sit and think and listen for the quiet trickle of water over the rocks.  The few inches deep few inches wide flow of water probably doesn't even qualify as a real stream....but its more than a lot of folks get to have in their yard.

 

This is a blog that's been bouncing around in the empty spaces of my head for quite a while....but I wasn't sure how to put something so personal out there without sounding whiny - or worse yet, hurting feelings.  I eventually decided that I need to share - and that as long as I don't link it to my Facebook  its unlikely that anyone involved will come across it.  Sometimes its good not to have many readers ;)

 

Let's start with a confession.  I have not seen my granddaughter, my son, or my DIL since August 25th when I attended a family party for her first birthday.  I guess you could say that the party was an awakening for me of sorts as to where I fit in the family social order.....and the answer wasn't what I was hoping for.  I was there for about an hour and a half and in that time I got close enough to little IM to take some pictures - I didn't have a chance to pick  her up, hug her, or even talk to her - that priviledge was reserved for her mom's family.  I left before presents were opened - and unfortunately I didn't choose wisely enough because unlike the others, my gift didn't make the party pictures nor did I hear any comments about it being good or bad or anything else. 

 

I know from googling that its not unusual for paternal grandmothers to feel left out - daughters are generally closer to their moms and the whole baby/child raising thing tends to be centered around the women of the family.  In this case, grandmother provides day care so little IM actually spends more time with Moga then she does with her own mother.   That's actually what happened with my own son growing up - but his father made sure that there was frequent contact with his family as well, even after we separated.  So I don't think I'm being unrealistic in terms of how things should be.

 

When I stop and think about it all, I'm frustrated to tears because I've honestly done my best to build a relationship with my son  that consists of more than the obligatory Christmas visit, but it hasn't worked.  I am welcome to come over and visit my granddaughter on Tuesday evenings when they hold open house for their friends......but as far as the visits being reciprocated its just not going to happen.

 

Its not just me - I don't discuss them with my father....but I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen any of them (or even gotten a picture or an email or a  note) since his birthday in June. 

 

OK, now I'm starting to sound whiny and I really don't mean to. Well, maybe I do just a bit and I'm sorry - I'm human. 

 

Whats important and pleasantly surprising is this - as long as I don't think about it - I'm really not bothered.  I have an awesome life - friends that truly love me even though they don't have to - and people who I know will be there for me - all I have to do is ask.

 

And that really is the definition of family - it has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with love.  I'm worth spending time with - if some people don't see that - its their loss, not mine.