LOL - its not really that bad....I am actually fighting a bit of a cold so its just as well I'm not out and about. But there's not much good on TV and I don't want to hit the hot tub until a bit later (I have string lights on a timer to illuminate the deck and they are set to come on at around 9.)
So, I'll take a few minutes and update this blog.
I think its human nature to want what you can't have....and I must confess I've got the want a vacation blues. Which is quite amusing because its only been a couple of months since my last cruise and my usual schedule is that I stay home till at least late April/early May if not till mid summer; so it's not like I'm giving up anything.
It just feels like I'm trapped because if I did want to take a trip I'd have to figure out how to deal with Jezebel and her shots. Twice a day petsitters are twice as expensive and I don't think boarding is any cheaper not to mention it stresses my furkids out.....and I don't blame them. Here they have 1400 square feet to wander around in - cat condos are probably a tenth that size.
You know, as I think about it, I play this game quite a bit........I want something I don't have, but clearly I don't want it enough to make it happen. Take relationships - I've got lots of excuses why I'm alone....but the bottom line is that if it was important to me to be in a relationship, I'd do something to try to make it happen - even if it was only answering personal ads. I'm reminded of the pre-internet days when you had newspaper ads and you'd respond by calling a central number and leaving voicemails. It was interesting because you didn't have pictures - so you'd decide to contact someone based on how they wrote and once you traded voicemail messages - how they sounded.
Now the major dating sites all require pictures....and its interesting how different people look in person compared to their pictures - just their ordinary pictures, let alone their "glamour shots". I spend a lot of time on Facebook and many of my friends look very different in person - their pictures don't do them justice. So its not always a matter of someone trying to deceive....although I do know there's a lot of that happening as well.
Then take work - I've been dissatisfied for a while because I felt our focus had shifted and we are spending more time insisting that users correct generally minor errors in their requests and resubmit the documents than we are spending getting our customers what they need when they need it. I listen to the office politics because it's too loud to ignore, but I find a lot of the talk to be very unprofessional - we are all supposed to be on the same team supporting, not badmouthing, each other.
Something happened a few weeks ago that was the last straw. It made me feel that my management didn't value me no matter what they'd written on my review, and that their "squeaky wheel gets the grease" approach had gone too far. I debated going directly to personnel because I have trouble talking to my manager, but decided in the end it was unfair not to let him know my concerns first. So we set up a meeting, I brought him the statistic (he likes data) - and he started to show me how he determined that work was distributed equitably...but wouldn't you know it - his report showed that wasn't happening. I mentioned some other concerns as well and made a couple of minor recommendations.....he sounded truly concerned and assured me that I was valued - but we'll see how it goes.
But at least I said something and didn't just sit back and let it eat at me and eventually find another job - or stop caring about this one.
That's kind of the pattern of my life in a lot of ways....if I communicate my concerns - the person might try to argue me out of them, or just flat out say they aren't important, or reject me in some other way. So I just suck it up and either I learn to accept the status quo or it becomes such a big deal in my life that I decide to leave the situation. That's really what I was doing at work when I applied for the other job - find a way to get out of the bad place gracefully without having to explain myself.
I crave routine and predictability and knowing what comes next. And rejection, even small and perhaps unintentional rejection, takes me to a dark place that hurts so much that I sometimes get physically ill thinking about it. I'm careful what I ask for....but even so, what seems easy to me might be difficult for the person I'm asking.
It wasn't until fairly recently I learned other people don't think like that. If they ask for something and don't get the answer they want - they just accept that the other person said no and move on. It doesn't mean they are unworthy of the request, or that they asked in the wrong way or that what they want is stupid. They don't let that no keep them from continuing their relationship with that person, or for asking for other things in the future, and they certainly don't obsess about why the answer was no.
I'm working to be more like those other people....but its challenging and scary...the only risk I want in my life is the board game version.
And on a completely unrelated topic - I was looking for one of my glamour shots but came across this picture....
This is a Palla's cat....." this small cat weighs in between 5 – 9 lb. with a head and body length of 19.5 – 25.5 in. and a tail length of 8 – 12 in"
I would love to have one, sigh,....
No comments:
Post a Comment