In the space of only a couple of weeks we lose Donna Summer and Robin Gibbs - not to mention local favorite Chuck Brown. I don't listen to disco anymore......haven't watched Saturday Night Fever in probably 20 years.....and the only mirror ball I've seen lately is the trophy on Dancing with the Stars.
When the artists of my youth leave this world, its a reminder that like everything and everyone in the world, I'm getting older. Its funny how that works - I'm not much for recalling the details of my past, but in my head its very easy to slip into the general theme of each era.....I remember hanging out in the local clubs dancing to bands covering KC and the Sunshine Band and the Commodores - and I can still sing the words to darn near every dance hit recorded during the late seventies and early eighties.
So when news came out about Donna Summer's death and the tv and radio started playing Last Dance over and over as a tribute to her (personally, I would have chosen Hot Stuff, but what do I know).....I'd happily sing along as I was transported back to my late teens. Then I'd catch a glimpse of my current self in the mirror and come crashing back to reality.
Which is not to say that I am not happy with myself and my life at this moment.....its just that my brain feels so much younger than my body - particularly after bowling night, lol. And when I'm reminded that more of my life is now in the past than will be in the future - its a bit frightening. Not that I'm afraid of dying - its rather that I'm worried about the what could happens between now and that point.
I've watched my father grow older and he's been accepting of his limittions as they occur - he's never been one to fight to try to improve his physical condition- rather he finds alternate ways to accomplish what he wants to do - and he just doesn't bother about the rest. Its rather a frustrating head in the sand approach from my perspective, but in hindsight, thats been my families modus operandi for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately as he has been "decaying" his house has as well.
The nursing care center has been working hard with him - providing daily therapy and so he's actually much stronger physically than he was even 10 years ago. With their encouragement and assistance he's taking better care of his personal grooming, and because there aren't as many TV channels available as at home, he's actually reading books again.
I wish there was the same sort of care center for his house. I'm not a clean freak though I do crave order in my world - but the crap (and sadly that's not just a figurative term) that I've been having to deal with to create a habitable bedroom and bath on the main floor has been truly hellish for me. Its not near the nightmare that is filmed for TV shows like Hoarders, but I'd say its about halfway there.
But its really not just about the sorting and the cleaning, though it's not a pleasant task for me.
Its about having to face things that I'd chosen to ignore and avoid for many years. The house didn't suddenly "turn bad" when my father got older - it started when my parents started to no longer care about their surroundings - and although I can't put my finger on the exact date, I'm pretty sure it happened before I hit my teens. My parents were both heavy drinkers - my mom an alcoholic who couldn't stop- my dad, a man who chose to drink his way through life until my mother died and I delivered an ultimatum - I couldn't deal with another drunk - he could choose the bottle or me and no hard feelings either way.
Oddly, I didn't remember that until just now and had to stop and rethink it a few times to make sure it really happened. But it did.....and at the time I thought he'd choose the booze and was actually OK with that because I was furious with him for a number of things related to my mothers eventual death from cirrhosis.
Its funny how things work....this was not at all the blog I intended to write. The "Bad Girl" reference was to me not blogging as frequently as I intended - and it was going to be followed by an explanation of how full my plate is these days and how there really wasn't anything to say.
But I guess there was after all. I suddenly know that I can't avoid and ignore - that I have to do something going forward........I've just got to figure out what that needs to be.
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