5/22 - Wednesday Woes and Wonderfuls

There's too much confusion - I can't get no relief.....

That's kind of the way I feel about work at the moment.   Those projects I'm facilitating are under control, which is good for them and for me.  But long term, nothing has changed - the same issues exist - in fact, I think they might be getting worse.

So that's the woe part.  The wonderful part is that I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  If we can avoid another stock market crash, I can afford to retire from this job in six years - and that's without having to take a part time job unless I feel like working.

Its funny.....when I was younger, six years seemed like an eternity......but in the overall scheme of things, its not that far away.  Heck, I've been working for 36 years - whats a few more, right?

Earlier this week I had 4 deer in my yard.....but just does and young ones.....I wonder what's up with that - is there a King Stud Buck sitting on a throne somewhere waiting for his harem to bring him food and drink?

I also came across a hummingbird in the catmint that's growing out front......I was kind of surprised at first.....guess summer kind of snuck up on me. But I went ahead and put the hummingbird feeder out on the deck......hopefully I can attract them to the back where I can sit and watch them dart about.

Although this is a big cicada year - its not happening in our area - we have some time to go before the next invasion - I think its not till 2021. That said, I've got some sort of incredibly loud insects out back...they almost sound like frogs, but I'm pretty sure they are bugs.  I'll have to do some research.

I've got no plans for Memorial Day weekend except the usual house stuff and thats just fine.....but the weekend after is a cancer awareness benefit concert in Jessup that features a couple of bands from  that I  loved in my youth .......Crack the Sky and Kix.  Livingsocial has discounted tickets and I'm hoping my concertgoing buddy Steph is free and can go with me...but even if I end up heading out alone, I think its going to be a really good time....

5/15 - My house.....

is a very very very fine house......

Not meaning to boast, but this time of year I think my front yard kicks butt.....it makes me smile when I pull in the driveway every evening....Later on I'll be fighting with the weeds and the heat - but for now, its just a matter of mowing the grass once in a while.

Work's been really busy, but I enjoy the challenge.  Plus, part of the reason I have so much to do is because of a pretty cool NASA program that we are rushing through - BRRISON. - Balloon Rapid Response to ISON.

If you aren't a space geek, you've likely never hear of ISON......in short, its a comet discovered last year that is going to come quite close to the sun this November - and may give us a great light show in the night sky....its been called the Comet of the Century.  For scientists, it provides an opportunity to learn more about the origins of our universy.....if they can get their instruments in a good place to gather the pictures and data they need.

And that's where my folks come in.  Its impossible to build a satellite in time to intercept this thing.....not to mention these sorts of programs cost hundreds of millions of dollars that NASA doesn't have in these days of sequestration.  But we have experience using high altitude balloons to collect pictures and data - and that's what we are going to do with Comet ISON - send a balloon 20some miles into the atmosphere with a camera and other instrumentation that will allow it to collect data as ISON passes by.

But to make that happen, we need to get the system built, tested, and delivered to NASA before the end of September....and that's a very short timeframe with no room for mistakes or missed shipments.  Which is where I come in - I'm responsible for making sure the program gets effective support from Purchasing - so I spend a lot of time trying to keep a lot of panicked folks calm....and trying to convince some "so what" folks that their work associated with this program needs to be a top priority.

So, that's been keeping me jumping...but I did ask for more work, lol.

I have more I want to write - but this seems like a good place to stop...so thanks for letting me ramble on and I'll catch you again soon.

 

5/12 - Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned....

its been more than a month since my last blog..........but you see I've had something personal on my mind and every time I thought I might write something - it would turn into dwelling on that personal thing which makes me sad. 

Everyone has their own way of dealing with issues in their life, and I don't think there's any one right way - though I'm pretty certain that arranging the demise of those who are causing you angst is the wrong way....(simply imagining a painful injury or death in your head, however, is probably OK).

I try to do it this way - Accept the things I cannot change and change the ones I can.   (Yep, I've stolen the Desiderada).  I have to confess I have a difficult time with the changing, but even more so with the acceptance.  But if you think about it, they are both really the same thing - to accept something means that you change your attitude towards it - it is what it is - and you move on.

My reality however, is that acceptance equates to not thinking about it....locking it in the back room of my mind, and going on with life.  Remember Gone with the Wind?  Scarlett once said "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

It works for me most of the time, unless or until something triggers a memory and then I go through all the hurt and pain again....though each time it gets a bit easier and eventually it will get to the point where it won't hurt at all.

And right now, the issue is keeping me from blogging all sorts of interesting things good and bad because my thoughts come back to this one thing.  I miss blogging, not so much because I think I have anything particularly interesting to say to the world, but because it helps me remember what I was thinking and feeling at a particular point in time - and more than once it's helped me keep from repeating a mistake - as well as helping me relive some pretty marvelous moments.

So here goes.  I am unhappy with the relationship (or lack of relationship) that I have with my son - and by extension, with my granddaughter.  I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since Christmas.

Now, to be fair- he did FB message me earlier in the week and ask me what I wanted for Mothers Day.  I told him that its a difficult day for me so I'd rather just let it go by.  And it is a difficult day.  Although my mother had her own problems, she was still my mom and I wish she was still here - and I wish I'd spoken up and tried harder to get her to change rather than just let her destroy herself.  But I don't beat myself up as much as I used to for what I didn't to - I try to remember what I did at the end - I did the best I could to show her I knew she'd done her best and that I loved her no matter what.

And I wish that whatever I did to make my son feel I'm not worthy of an occasional call or visit or invitation to an outing with his family hadn't happened.  This ones a bit tougher because I honestly can't think of anything I did to cause the rift. 

Of course from his perspective, there's no rift....I can call his wife up and make arrangements to visit whenever I like - or I can go over on their weekly game night with friends - or there's Mothers Day when I can ask for a visit. 

And I did all these things for a long time (except call my DIL to make arrangements for a visit because that is just too awkward for me) -its not that I don't think my daughter in law is marvelous  - but I' just can't bring myself  to beg for an audience as if he's the Pope.

I was really excited at the grandmother thing - I bought a portacrib and a carseat to make sure I was prepared.  The portacrib has never been used - and the car seat - they eventually asked me if they could have it as she'd gotten too big for the one they had, so at least its getting some use.

Now, I know its not about me, its about her - so when I went over for the family only first  birthday party and didn't have a chance to hold her for even a minute because the other grandmother and her relatives had dibs - I kept my mouth shut.  When I see pictures of visits to parks and museums and zoos that include their friends or other family menbers, it rips my heart out that I'm not included in any of that - but I keep my mouth shut.
 
When I told them that I couldn't come over for their Tuesday night open houses any more because Jezebel needed an insulin shot every night, I'd kind of hoped that there would be some sort of offer of an occasional visit to me......(You see, Jezebel was my son's cat - I took her because she was having problems being alone and we thought it would be a better fit).....but no, there was just a comment about how it should have been his other cat getting diabetes.

Since I couldn't make Tuesday night visits, I asked if they could post pictures more often - maybe something I could frame, but that hasn't happened - I've kept my mouth shut.

Its getting me upset again writing this......but I'm hoping that once I get it out here, I can get past it and move on.  Truly my life is pretty wonderful - I have enough time and money to do the things I want - the furkids are doing well - and I've got an incredible collection of friends including a best friend who more than makes up for any lack of blood relatives.

As for my granddaughter - I really do think its a shame that things are the way they are...but I am tired of trying to change them.   I'm a successful, emotionally strong woman who tries to be a good role model for others.  I'm smart and funny and have some good stories to tell.  I'm loyal and a person who can be counted on. And if that's not enough for him - thats his problem, not mine.

You know what, I feel better already.  Someday my granddaughter will be old enough to make her own decisions and maybe she'll reach out to me and if she does, I'll be ready..